D'Hell Is Nice Guy? (II)

1. I admit, I'm not a nice guy or shit. Hidup aku tunggang langgang, aku judge orang, aku senang benci orang, solat semua ada kurang tak pernah cukup, prejudis aku mostly dalam bentuk negatif, selalu tak ikhlas bila buat kerja, senang mengungkit, sometimes I act like an inconsiderate bitch, sekali kau kerjakan aku, dua kali aku balas, pendendam, suka maki orang dalam diam, live in hatred, annoying pug, pemalas, memilih and bias, bukan seorang Islamis dan the list goes wilder and wilder.

2. Aku hidup dalam persepsi aku dan persepsi orang. People judge me, and benda tu pengaruhi aku. People words are so stink. Samalah juga dengan persepsi diorang. Nak puaskan hati orang awam ni, adalah benda yang kau kena give up sebelum lahir lagi. Some people adore me, some people hate me. I give a damn. I don't know. Kadang kadang jadi introvert salah, jadi bising salah, jadi modest salah, jadi hantu salah. Nak kongsi pandangan? Huh, belum cakap lagi dah kena tikam.

3. Being a nice guy adalah benda yang perlu disimpan dalam diam. You know what you do. Sama ada benda tu betul atau salah, kau sendiri tahu. Orang tak tahu. Orang tak peduli. Kalau kau mati, cukuplah dia kapankan kau, tanam, talkin, pastu blah. Kau terkenal hari meninggal. Lepas sehari, diorang ketawa balik.

4. Kadang kadang, aku sendiri tak tau apa yang aku salah. Tapi tu lah, kalau aku buat betul, orang kata salah, orang benci juga walaupun benda betul. Mana orang peduli. Nak menangkan diri sendiri, setakat seorang diri je yang mengaku betul, macam mana nak lawan? That's why aku hidup dalam both persepsi aku dan persepsi orang. Sudah. Aku nak tidur.

8 comment(s):

Fatihah Mhd Ashhadi said...

Well, I wouldn't say I'm a nice girl either. But life would eventually teach us to empower our own views of virtues- also to chase ambitions / experience the wilderness once in a while. Those are the things a huge part of the society would judge, but nothing beats self satisfaction in the end. Also whatever one wants to do in the end in life, do it with class.

Society dies and is revived, but usually their core principles doesn't deviate much from the norm. It's up to you to change your world, and realize how it is a waste of time to cowardice or even exhibit a legit emotion, in the realm of mere mongrels.

Silent reader tapi dah tak silent. said...

just be yourself and be confident with yourself.

ketahuilah, anda special dan ada kelebihan sendiri. you do know what your ability is.

believe that you CAN be a good guy. have a little strength.

saya mendoakan anda berjaya.

fthlnzm said...

fatihah : thank you. i don't know what to do. i tend to take people's judgement seriously. it's like, i'm cursed with the rule that whatever i do, people watch. i feel insecure and sometimes, i don't know whether i'm on the right track or not in terms of being myself.

fthlnzm said...

silent reader : i know, but the dark side of me seems overshadowing the goodness inside me. when i do good things, people don't give a damn about it. but i'm okay with that. and i go nuts when my bad deeds are being judged and people blame me for that instead of recognizing and appreciating my righteous acts.

Addi said...

aww jumpa orang yang sama jenis macam aku. ahh i feel you bro. moga tabah. kita sama :(

fthlnzm said...

@addi : if you can feel me, i guess i can feel you too sis. moga tabah juga dengan 'kehendak' society. sama-samalah kita :(

Silent reader tapi dah tak silent. said...

maybe because you're doing that for people. try doing that to satisfy yourself. just yourself. being selfish is alright, sometimes.

don't worry. you will find the solution and get over it sooner or later.

fthlnzm said...

@silent reader : yap. that's the thought. i do it for them. never please myself. mouth says 'yes', heart says 'no'. insyaAllah, will do. thanks silent reader tapi dah tak silent.